What are the Odds

Being a mom changes me.  Day by day, little by little and bits by bits.  I don’t think three years ago I would have pictured myself as of who I am today.  To a certain extent, I feel that being a mom transforms me to a different species both physically and mentally.  

In terms of the physical aspect, oh man, don’t even get me start! After my first born, my hair loss was terrible.  For the first 6 months after I gave birth, big chunk of hair slide between my fingers every time I shower.  Just when I thought I was lucky with the second child, my hair started to lose again after I stopped nursing.  Belly stretch marks and the C-section scar remained after gaining, losing, gaining and losing 40-50 pounds in 2 years. Foot size went from 7.5 to 10, then bounced back to 8 that I have to bid farewell to all of my beloved high heel shoes. My eyesight is different after pregnancy and I wear new contacts now. I can’t even wear my wedding band because it cannot pass through my expanded finger joints. And oh, did I mention my sexy beast pre-baby body? Sexy no more, my friend! Literally, I am transformed from head to toe.

But more surprisingly, the metamorphosis is internal.  I found myself being more aware of personal safety. Not until I have children myself, I used to think people going on a hot air balloon to watch sunrise is such romantic idea.  But now, it’s more of a thriller. What if the balloon pops in the sky and I would leave my children motherless!! To me, it’s not the idea of death that scare me, but leaving my kids behind.  The same kind of alarm system goes along with my kids also. I was a dare devil and I would be the first one to jump on different rides and adventure in theme parks.  But I caught myself thinking twice when I buckled Keke on his so called “Big big wheel” (Ferris wheel) and I was holding him tight in my arm.  My mind couldn’t help but think is this Ferris wheel safely built? Is there a chance we may fall? I was utterly surprised by my own thinking.

Becoming a paranoid mom whom I cannot enjoy life is the least I wanted; but taking certain precautions to prevent regrettable outcomes is considered responsible.  On the other hand, “What are the odds?” as Vincent said when we went into a heated argument on whether something bad may happen if we let our children walk to/ from school in the future. (Talking about proactive measure when Kylie can barely sit up). However small the percentage of risk is, it’s 100% if it happens to me. Question is am I willing to take chances and tolerate the unknown? There’s no easy answer.  I think…..maybe I think too much.

I am not cooking today.

Summer’s Footprint:

Life does not always have plan B. It’s the acceptance and appreciation of the many doubts that makes it free, aspiring and beautiful. This reminds me of a song from Pink- “Try”

 

        

The Crying Party

I guess many of us, as mothers, have gone down this road before-dealing with temper tantrum of a child in public. For me, I finally has the first taste of it a few weeks ago in Target. It was my first time utilizing Target pharmacy service, thinking that I could do some serious shopping while waiting for the medicine. Well, little did I know that it was working against me.

After I filled out some simple forms, the pharmacist told me that they would text me on my cell phone when the medicine was ready. How neat! Off I went with Keke sitting on the front compartment while Kylie rocking happily in her car seat inside the shopping cart. However, happy time quickly came to an end when I told Keke that I need to put the firetruck he was playing back on the shelf because listening to nonstop blaring siren was pure torture. I used my familiar trick of counting to 5 and he was usually very good at giving up his toys.  But not this time. Tears poured out in seconds and what's the fun of tantrum without excruciating screaming and kicking?  With his inflated lungs he yelled "Keke put away Keke put away".  I kept my cool and said I did not like his crying and screaming, and I would let him put it away once he stopped crying.  At home he was able to calm down by himself, but this time he was determined to make a scene. What followed was an escalated crying to a point that the whole store could hear him. The clueless Kylie in the back wondered what's going on with all the commotion decided to join the crying party. Awesome! A cartful of crying kids strolling in Target.  Now it's a good time to check my text message- Nothing.....and I had a cart full of stuff.  I did not mind the tantrum because that's how Keke learned his boundaries but it's not my intention to put the whole store in jeopardy.  I was contemplating should I wait for the prescription or put the stuff back on the shelf and just leave without it? I chose the later alternative. Just when I was hastily putting the stuff on the shelf, the phone rang and finally came the text message like I have been waiting for a million years. By the time I walked out of the store, I was carrying a feisty monkey in one arm while pushing a cartful of stuff plus the crying baby in action. Then came along a mom with her daughter about 6-7 years of age.  She tapped on my hand and offered a smile of assurance" I wish you have a good evening, believe me, I have been there."

Because I was a behavioral analyst helping children with developmental delays in my previous job, dealing with tantrum is not new to me and I am basically immune to crying. Tamper tantrum is nonetheless straining and requires tremendous patience.  At the end of the day, a nice cup of coffee is the ultimate luxury, and to hear Keke says "I love you three"-is music to my ears.


Summer's Footprint:

hold your grip, breath, and relax! baby.

Days of Our Lives

"Like sands through the hourglass...... so are the Days of our Lives" -The opening of every episode of Days of our Lives.  Sometimes when I aimlessly flip channels and come across this all too familiar TV series, I can't help but wonder who would love to watch these self-repeating episodes in which the story line is absolutely nothing new. Why is the background so fake? Even Keke's pop up children storybook looks more realistic than the set, to say the least.  Maybe something wrong with the lighting. What are the extras behind talking about? What are they laughing at? Although it's not my taste, there is obviously a fan base because apparently, it's been running since 1972. Older than me, with all due respect.

Time indeed passes by very fast.........like sands through the hourglass, ( In need to get this phrase un-implant from my head, it's getting annoying!)  Keke is 2 1/2 and Kylie is 6 months. They are exactly 2 years and 4 days apart born in September.  I find myself teaching Keke more as his understanding increases. But a lot of times he surprises me with his reasoning.  For instance, I teach him when I say "I love you", his response back is "I love you too." We communicate in Cantonese but I specifically teach him this phrase in English. I know, I know, all too rehearsed but I’d be better off brain washing him  when he is still young and volatile before he turns to an unpredictable creature in his teenage years.  Very quickly he got it and one day I said "I love you." He responded "I love you three." Soon enough it became a game for him; someday it's "I love you four." while others were "I love you eight."

There was another incident I found it intriguing.  Recently, I started to potty train Keke and he loved flushing toilet all day long that I scolded him sternly many times. Then one day, with his limited vocabulary, he pointed to the toilet and said, "Water goes M." I said "What?" " Water goes M, eats fries." says Keke in a louder voice. Ding! I got it-Water goes to Mac Donald to eat fries!! Eating fries at Mac Donald to Keke is heavenly. That's why he kneels down and looks at the water intently every time he flushes because he assume the water is going on a field trip to Mac Donald!

Although Keke's Days of his Life are certainly few, he grows so much in understanding that it's tough for me to imagine what he will become in 10 years, 20 years and so on. Children are simple, their reasoning is straightforward and direct. A reminder to myself: The heart of a child is so pure, inside and out.  It is imperative to guard my actions and words; how they may have influenced my children intentionally as well as unintentionally. After all, I reap what I sow.  



Summer's Footprint:

Talking about reaping, this plant has nothing to do with what I sow, it just pop out in my backyard from nowhere.  Its fern like leaves wave at me casually when the wind blows.  It's so beautiful that I dug it out and put it in a pot.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?                     Matthew 6:26-27

Wake Up Call

Today is my birthday and it's no different than any other day.  I did not feel an ounce lighter and my breath still stink when I woke up. My morning routine involves waking up 10 minutes before Keke to brush teeth, wash face and change clothes. Then my day officially starts by waking the sleepy head Keke, whispering "It's time to go to school." and changing diaper all the while he is still a knock out. As so I thought,  but today is indeed a little different.

Thanks to Vincent, my first birthday present was an iHome which was a docking station for my iPod and also an alarm clock. He set up my alarm as radio and surely and faithfully, the sound of radio has been playing at 7:45am in the past week. This morning when the radio came out, I instinctively hit the snooze button to sleep for another precious 5 minutes. When it came out again, I heard the radio host saying they were giving away various tickets at a Rite Aid and the cross streets were on my way to drop Keke off at school.  They said the guy will leave in half an hour.  I shook Vincent and said "Did you hear that?" Vincent looked at me very puzzled but I cared less. My motorized hand quickly put in action to brush teeth and I headed out the door within 5 minutes.  When I arrived to Rite Aid, nobody was there and I knew immediately something was wrong.  I asked the cashier if she knew about the tickets give away.  She had no idea but said there was another Rite Aid with the same cross streets about 10 minutes away.  I asked the direction and drove there.  This time I saw a booth and around 30 people gathered.  Turned out that it's a drawing and I was the last one to put my name in before they closed.  There were tickets to San Diego Zoo, Orchestra, movie screening tickets and Beauty and the Beast.  The host picked out the papers and called the names one by one.  Then I heard my name "Summer".  I went up and the best option was movie tickets.  I claimed 4 movie screening tickets which will open in theaters in a few days.

A pleasant surprise on a birthday morning. If you cannot reach me tomorrow at 7:30pm, you know where I am. :)



Summer's Footprint:

Soundtrack of Life

When I was around 10 years old,  I had a few years of piano training in Hong Kong, nothing fancy, but good enough to play a few simple songs.  I was not an eager piano learner at all.  I could still remember coming out crying from many piano lessons because I did not practice during the week.  Eventually, I quited and was very happy about my decision.

Then when I was in college I rented a piano and took some lessons for a few months. I played here and there all along until few weeks ago, I started browsing Craigslist to see if I can find a cheap pre-owned piano. Reason is that it's not easy to get out of the house taking two children at times, music will provide a convenient avenue for me to get my brain off the mundane routine of a full time mom. Also, it's my hope that Keke and Kylie will learn piano or any instrument as they grow up.  A few email exchanges took place and I was actually close to driving down to the seller's house to check out the condition of the piano.  But when Vincent saw the picture of it, he despised the look.  To be honest, it was a pretty ugly piano from the 60s, selling as an "antique". But hey, what do you expect for a $750 piano?  Vincent decided to get a pre-owned one from a reputable store.  Very quickly he browsed online to find a store and on the same day, we chose one and had it delivered the following week. To this moment, I am still scratching why Vincent would buy such an expensive gift for me so willingly.  This is very unusual of him. What did I do that day? Is it possible to repeat what I did? Hmmmm (engaging in deep thoughts).

Anyways, picking up playing was not easy after all these years.  My hands were inflexible and they were like foreign entities.  20 to 30 minutes a day of practice is max because of the two kids. I practiced right hand for a few days, then left hand. When both hands were combined, random notes from the left hand started to make sense and music came to life magically.

Marriage is like playing piano, the melody is not complete with either hand. But when both hands are in sync playing at the same rhythm, amazing songs can be heard. May I become a beautiful soundtrack of life to Vincent, playing the same chords in the years to come.


Summer Footprint:

This is the song I am practicing now, Loure by J.S Bach.   These are not my hands, I wish, ha ha.  I just search this music piece on youtube to learn how to play. I am barely half way through practicing this song. Happy listening.

Growing Old

The following is a post I wrote 2 weeks before Kylie was born in Sept 2012, don't have time to post it till now:

Now that I have a son and soon a daughter in two weeks, I found that my thinking has changed significantly.  Parenthood allows me to see in a new perspective with a different pair of lens. I used to listen to my parents' advice a lot. But in these years, I come to realized that my parents, like all others, inevitably have many flaws and their advice is affected by their own experience.  I am not disappointed in any ways, rather, I feel a sense of independence. Parental advices, even at their best interest, need to be filtered because ultimately I am responsible for the decisions I made, the joy as well as pain in the season of life.

Another interesting realization is when I get old, how will I take care of myself?  The other day I was searching for nursing homes around my neighborhood. I am just curious how much it costs and what's the living condition. Live with my children? Assisted living in senior housing? How about nursing home? Do we have enough money for retirement? All these questions suddenly become realistic to me.  I told Vincent that if he gets too old to a point that I can't take care of him, we can both admit ourselves to a nursing home and we can still live together.

My world is constantly evolving. I once heard a saying "growing old gracefully". Well, I can't imagine myself being graceful, but gaining some wisdom along the way? Not a bad idea.

Summer's Footprint:

  

Home Runs

My British passport will soon be expired and I have been dragging to engage in this renewal process.  A high tendency of filling out forms incorrectly in the past, fake smiling my passport pictures which will stuck with me for the next 10 years, oh, and lining up at the stale looking post office to certify the mail, bla bla bla-just countless reasons I don't want to start at all.

When I finally picked up the pen to fill out the form, there was an interesting section that required countersignature to verify that the passport photo I took was in fact my real person. Moreover, the person who could countersign this passport photo has to be someone who was "Professionally qualifying person, e.g. lawyer, school teacher, policeman, doctor, engineer" First, I didn't understand why all the fuss over just renewing a passport. Second, I wondered how many professionally qualifying people out there are really happy with what they are doing? Are these their dream jobs or they're simply indulging the prestige these jobs bring forth?

For those who are close to me, my dream job is to become a Starbuck Bearista.  I found that brewing coffee requires intricate knowledge and patience. As my years advancing, I come to accept that my interpersonal skill is not my strongest area. Per Vincent someone said, I am kind of slow in processing, non-responsive at times,  and somehow inappropriate things or blunt comments just burst out from my mouth, I thought maybe some kind of customer service oriented job will help improve my communication skill. However, due to my international student status as well as my work visa after I graduated, this dream was almost impossible for me to achieve. Before I was pregnant with my second child, I once logged into the Starbuck website trying to apply for a position. But because I filled out the online form incorrectly (not surprised, hah!), I was logged out of the system and restricted to reapply for 3 months. Well well, the time will come. One day I will bring a cup of warm hearted coffee to someone in the mist of a busy day, with pleasure.


Summer's Footprint

Keke is a big fan of Elmo and I become very familiar with some of the sesame music.  One of the song "Believe in Yourself" with Ray Charles is Keke and my favorite. Ray witnessed his brother's death when he was 4 years old. He started to lose eye sight at age 5. By age 7, his eyesight was completely gone. His father died when he was 10 years old, followed by his mother 5 years later. Although personal tragedies were never far, he strived to become one of the most recognizable musician of all time.  Life throws hard balls sometimes, but you just have to learn to swing and hit home runs with them.

Believe in Yourself

Oh you can be what you want to be,

See what you want to see,
Believe in yourself,
Believe in yourself.

Go where you want to go,
Do what you want to do
Believe in yourself,
Believe in yourself.

Some folks try to tell you there are things you shouldn't do
You're not strong enough or smart enough at all,
But what seems right to them quite often
Might be wrong for you,
So be sure you try to climb
Before you get too scared you fall.

Oh, you can be what you want to be,
Learn what you want to learn,
Believe in yourself,
Believe in yourself.

Try what you need to try,
No one should question why,
Believe in yourself,
Believe in yourself.

Folks may say you're different,
That you've gone and lost your senses,
But the world is yours to walk in,
Go ahead and leap the fences.

And you'll see,
Believe in yourself 
And the world belongs to you and me