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Thursday, June 5, 2014

Mind Trapped

It's almost 2 am now and I am now writing this entry because I am struggling to fall back asleep. I was waken by Keke around 12:30am because......because..... Well, I had no clue what had happened. I got shook in the bed. The next thing I knew, Keke was standing next to my bed like the statue of liberty, except that he was holding a pillow in his arm.  By the time I coaxed him back to sleep and went to the bathroom, I was wide awake. Meanwhile the snoring factory next to me was fully operational in its midnight shift.  With endless turning and tossing,  my mind drifted into a maze of random playbacks. Thoughts of 'should haves', 'what ifs', 'shouldn't haves' and 'next time I'd better....'  started to emerge covertly.  Finally, after more than an hour of mind games, I decided to call it a night, literally!

So here I am, in front of the computer, hoping to shut down my crazy brain by exhausting it via sleep walking the internet. Or how about some writing?  Is it working? Hmmmm............ , believe it or not, I think it's doing its job........ I am feeling a little tired eyes seems... heavy........
I can hear my
own and
the sound of the clock is getting louder........
tick tOck ....tIck toCk.. tICk tOCK.. TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK

It's time to head to bed.... , try to stay awake and look smart tomorrow (Remember to avoid intelligent conversation that requires more than three verbal exchange). Good night zombie head.

Signing out at 2:55am


Summer's Footprint:

This is exactly how I feel.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Making A Difference

My adventure of life has taken a different toll in the past month and I am enjoying every bit of it.  Since I was 6 years old, my dream was a full time mom and had as many kids as possible. My concept of a mom was more like a teacher standing in front of the students in a classroom, everybody in their best behavior, sitting quietly, and eagerly attending the lesson. As the years pass by, my childhood fantasy of a teacher style mom was long gone, but being a full time mom and having dozen of kids have always been my dream until........I have my own.

A friend who was very involved in children ministry at church once jokingly said "I love children as long as they are not mine." The epiphany of mixed feelings became apparent once I was a parent myself.  I love my children as much as a mother can love a child, truth be told though there were times that my two monkeys brought out a side of me that I never realized before.  It feels like a live furnace burning from my back, traveling from my spine to the neck in lightning speed, then all the way up to the tip of my head. As a result, voice started to raise and things were said in a way that was not meant to be, to both children and my husband.  Rather than fretting over the discouraging voice played in my head, I retreated to prayer mode in top gear. My prayer was that instead of restraining my tongue or do what was "right", just change my heart to become more like Jesus and be submissive to wherever God leads me to. If it's God's timing, I pray that He will provide me with a part time job so that I can balance my life out a bit, yet I can still provide for my kids.  I used to be a behavioral analyst working with children with disability and autism before I had Keke, so I went back to my familiar field only this time I prefer not to be involved with the administrative responsibilities such as meetings, data analysis and report writings. My passion is working with children directly and I found great joy seeing the child succeeds even in the smallest ways. With this in mind, I applied for a part time school 1:1 aide and my thanks to God I got a job offer and started working since March. Turned out the child I support was the child I worked with 7 years ago and now he is 10 years old. He is still very medically involved and attends school for only 3 hours a day all the while I only need a few hours of work, so we are a great match and works out perfectly. I praise God for his wonderful arrangement and is excited for the change of directions it has taken place. The child I work with is non-verbal and there is no way he can tell me that he remembers me, but I hope this is not a wishful thinking if I believe he does.

So that's my schedule now, I drop off Kylie at a daycare few days a week as Vincent has weekdays off and  he takes care of Kylie in the morning. Then my mother hat is back on at noon when I pick Keke up from school after work.  In comparison, the few hours I work is much easier and relaxing than the split mind chores I engage at home. It's definitely a new adjustment for me after being a full time mom for more than three years, but for now, I am just glad that my job allows me to interact with people higher than 3 feet.

Summer's Footprint:

Before I step into school every day,  I tell myself it would be a fine day if I can make a difference in the life of the child I work with.  This week is teacher appreciation week and I received flowers from the parents of the child I support and a key chain from school that says "You make a difference, every day."

It's a fine day indeed.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014


When Keke was born, he was only a little more than 4 pounds because he was three weeks early and I had HELLP syndrome. Luckily all his organs were fully developed at birth except that there was little to no fat on his body. Therefore he had a hard time keeping his body temperature.  The picture of Keke's stick figure laying naked inside a box under a heated lamp was still vivid in my mind. I was also instructed to be "skin to skin" with him frequently at the hospital. Basically to put his naked body on my bare chest so that he can learn to regulate his body temperature using mine. At discharge, the pediatrician required us to bring Keke in every week for the first month to make sure he was gaining weight steadily.  After much worries, feeding and God's blessings, the result paid off in spade. Keke's weight rapidly excel from 2%tile to 50%tile in 4 months. It's like blowing up a human balloon in front of my eyes. At Keke's last physical check up, unlike the first 3 years of age which the baby's size can double in the first 6 months, the pediatrician told us his growth will start to slow down tremendously from now on.  For some reason, this is a new idea to me, that people grow in a certain rate at certain time and 3 years old is one of the marks.

Human physiology and genetics fascinate me. Although Keke was born as a stick figure, his head was average in size because the body automatically preserved his brain at all cost. According to research, the human brain develops in a particular order at certain age. Specifically, the frontal lobe of the human brain is not fully connected to the rest of the brain until mid 20s, and this accounted for the lack of judgement and risk taking behavior in the adolescence years. To make matter worse, children and adolescent's brains are born to be easily excitable to the environment because that's how children learn in a rapid pace. The downside to that is they respond too quickly and without the capability of connecting their actions to the consequence. Believing Keke as the reincarnated dare devil with a mixture of curious George, I have already tasted a glimpse of his teenage years since he was mobil. With Keke's unpredictable adrenaline rush, creative ways to somehow get himself in trouble, and his motto "I do it!", it's my personal achievement if Keke is still in one piece when he turns 18. I can totally see him sky diving, jumping off the cliff wearing nothing but his underwear and will not be surprised if he is featured in those extreme sports channel one day. To prepare me for Keke's treacherous years to come, "What is he thinking?" is not the right question to ask. Instead, remember to work on "What is he NOT thinking?"

Summer's Footprint:

Can you find the judgement gland?

The Teen Brain: It's Just Not Grown Up Yet

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year

November was a busy and hectic month.  Our whole family went to Hong Kong for almost three weeks and came back half alive. The pace in Hong Kong was much faster than the U.S, there was no time to waste or idle. “Wait a minute” seemed too long for so many. What about “Wait a second?” Probably not. “Wait half second?” Time’s up!  As a mom, I had zero jetlag because my body was trained to sleep anytime, anywhere.  But adjusting to two young children’s 13 hours time difference was brutal.  Finally after two weeks, routine schedule found its place and Old Mac Donald was back on track in the car.

Kylie started a home daycare a few weeks ago because it’s time to expand her vocabulary in addition to the over generalized “mama”. On the way Keke and I drove to pick up Kylie, he asked why Kylie couldn’t be at the same class with him. I answered it was because Kylie was little and it’s better to stay in a small school.  “When will Kylie grow up?” Keke asked.  That caught me speechless for a moment. I just mumbled some nonsense explanations all the while  thinking to myself: Kylie is growing everyday, but so are you. You simply cannot wait for your sister to grow up and be at the same age.  Unlike time zone difference, the two years and four days difference between the two of you can never be adjusted. Son, you are the only big brother Kylie has in this world, treat her well and DON’T sit on her like a pony, for goodness sake.

As 2014 rolls, my two hot monkeys will continue to blast my mind. Although it's no end in sight, there is only one 2014 and before I know it, 2015, 2025 and 2035 will be around the corner. So I might as well just buckle up, take the wheel and launch this fantastic ride of 2014. Happy New Year!

Summer's Footprint: