Being a mom changes me. Day by day, little by little and bits by bits. I don’t think three years ago I would have pictured myself as of who I am today. To a certain extent, I feel that being a mom transforms me to a different species both physically and mentally.
In terms of the physical aspect, oh man, don’t even get me start! After my first born, my hair loss was terrible. For the first 6 months after I gave birth, big chunk of hair slide between my fingers every time I shower. Just when I thought I was lucky with the second child, my hair started to lose again after I stopped nursing. Belly stretch marks and the C-section scar remained after gaining, losing, gaining and losing 40-50 pounds in 2 years. Foot size went from 7.5 to 10, then bounced back to 8 that I have to bid farewell to all of my beloved high heel shoes. My eyesight is different after pregnancy and I wear new contacts now. I can’t even wear my wedding band because it cannot pass through my expanded finger joints. And oh, did I mention my sexy beast pre-baby body? Sexy no more, my friend! Literally, I am transformed from head to toe.
But more surprisingly, the metamorphosis is internal. I found myself being more aware of personal safety. Not until I have children myself, I used to think people going on a hot air balloon to watch sunrise is such romantic idea. But now, it’s more of a thriller. What if the balloon pops in the sky and I would leave my children motherless!! To me, it’s not the idea of death that scare me, but leaving my kids behind. The same kind of alarm system goes along with my kids also. I was a dare devil and I would be the first one to jump on different rides and adventure in theme parks. But I caught myself thinking twice when I buckled Keke on his so called “Big big wheel” (Ferris wheel) and I was holding him tight in my arm. My mind couldn’t help but think is this Ferris wheel safely built? Is there a chance we may fall? I was utterly surprised by my own thinking.
Becoming a paranoid mom whom I cannot enjoy life is the least I wanted; but taking certain precautions to prevent regrettable outcomes is considered responsible. On the other hand, “What are the odds?” as Vincent said when we went into a heated argument on whether something bad may happen if we let our children walk to/ from school in the future. (Talking about proactive measure when Kylie can barely sit up). However small the percentage of risk is, it’s 100% if it happens to me. Question is am I willing to take chances and tolerate the unknown? There’s no easy answer. I think…..maybe I think too much.
I am not cooking today.
Life does not always have plan B. It’s the acceptance and appreciation of the many doubts that makes it free, aspiring and beautiful. This reminds me of a song from Pink- “Try”